I’m not entirely sure how to word this post, so please bear with me!
The first time I really noticed I had anxiety was when I was 15. That’s when I realised what it was called and why I was feeling the way I did - along with experiencing panic attacks. By the time I was 18, I’d figured out what triggered me or made me feel 'off'. By around 22 years old, I’d developed certain techniques to help calm myself down and to deal with panic attacks when they occurred.
The good news was that in 2017, I only had about six or seven pretty bad panic attacks, along with a few smaller ones that were easier to manage. Considering I’d been dealing with this since I was 15, having had around 100 major panic attacks in total feels like decent progress. It’s strange how it works - sometimes I can go months without one, and then other times, they happen every other week.
These days, I rarely leave the house. I don’t tend to see people, go shopping, or do much outside. I see one of my friends every Thursday, and my other two friends around once a month. Social anxiety has made my world feel much smaller, and it's something I'm constantly trying to work on.
Social anxiety is my biggest challenge. I turn down social outings about 90% of the time. The 10% I do say yes to are usually when my one of best friends are there, or if it’s a familiar place with friends I feel comfortable around.
One month a few years ago, I managed three social outings over one weekend, which felt surreal looking back! Friday night was dinner out with Nicola, and I had no anxiety whatsoever. Saturday was a night out with some friends from work, heading into town for drinks at various bars. Which I NEVER did back then (or now, for that matter!)
I remember having a massive panic attack that morning and a few smaller ones while getting ready, but I still went out. It felt like such an achievement to push through that fear. I stayed out for a few hours, but my anxiety was a solid 8/10 the whole time, especially in one overcrowded bar where I felt like I was being crushed. Even after getting home, I could still feel my heart racing, and my legs were heavy from all the foot-tapping I did to distract myself.
On the Sunday, I went to a nearby pub in the evening with a couple of work friends. Despite it being a new place and with people I hadn’t hung out with much before, I felt completely fine. I was genuinely proud of myself for managing that so well.
So, what triggers my anxiety? Here are some of the biggest culprits:
- Large crowds of people
- Unfamiliar places
- Going somewhere new
- Going somewhere alone
- Driving long distances
- Feeling confused and not knowing how to handle a situation
- Arguments or confrontations
- Social gatherings
How do I cope?
These are the techniques I rely on when my anxiety gets really bad or when a panic attack starts to set in:
- Counting slowly to 20
- Using the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique (engaging my senses)
- Sitting by a window and looking at the sky to create a sense of space
- Getting some fresh air
- Get the hell outta there, and go home!
